


5 Times Jim Kirk Said "I Love You" And 1 Time Someone Said It Back

by Mercedesbt1224



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jim Has Issues, Jim needs love, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Romance, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-09-05 14:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16812484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercedesbt1224/pseuds/Mercedesbt1224
Summary: 5 Times Jim Kirk Said "I Love You" And 1 Time Someone Said It BackThe title basically says it all.





	5 Times Jim Kirk Said "I Love You" And 1 Time Someone Said It Back

1

The first time James T. kirk ever said “I love you” he was 4 years old. His mother had never said it to him but he’d seen people in TV shows say it and he knew what it meant. On his fourth birthday Jim woke up so his mother shaking his shoulder  
“Get up Jim. breakfast is ready” She said, her face blank and her gaze empty. Though Jim’s mom had never said he loved Jim, she was at times caring and affectionate. However every year on Jim’s birthday, Jim’s mom became closed off and uncaring. Though even when Winona was being affectionate she never said she loved Jim, not like she would say to Sam every night before bed. Jim sat up in bed and stretched. Jim’s mother, seeing that Jim was waking up Winona turned and left Jims room without another word. Jim hopped excitedly down from his bed and rushed over to his window. He opened the window and breathed in the air happily. Suddenly Jim had an idea and ran excitedly to Sam’s room.  
“Saaaaaaam!” Jim cried happily as he burst into Sam’s room. Sam had the larger room out of the two of them. It was also decorated more nicely. Sam had large bookcases, a double bed, and his walls were plastered with posters. It wasn’t that Jim didn’t have the necessities, or that he was neglected, but rather that his bookcase was secondhand, his walls bare, and his bed a small single. As Jim launched himself onto Sam’s bed, Sam’s sleeping form groaned.  
“Go away Jimmy I’m trying to sleep” Sam moaned.  
“Come on Sammy! It’s my birthday!” Jim giggled excitedly, his small body bouncing on the mattress.  
“Mom! Tell Jim to leave me be!” Sam yelled. Jim froze and waited in worried anticipation. Sure enough a moment later Winona burst through the door.  
“Jim! Get the hell out of your brothers space! Let him sleep” She yelled as she pinched Jim’s ear and pulled him off the bed.  
“Ow! Mommy! Why do I have to get up but not Sam!” Jim cried as Winona yanked him roughly into the hallway. Sam looked guiltily at him from the bed.  
“You ungrateful brat” Winona screamed as she shoved Jim onto the floor of his room. She slammed the door and Jim was left in silence. Hours went by and Winona didn’t come by to tell Jim he could leave his room. A pressure was building in his bladder  
“Mommy?” Jim cried from the door but no response came. Jim really needed to pee. Jim crept slowly into the hallway and into the bathroom. After relieving himself he began to sneak back into the bedroom. As he passed the study Jim saw his mother on her knees in front of the floor-length portrait of Jim’s father. She was sobbing into her hand.  
“Mommy?” Jim said as she approached her trembling form. Winona looked up and stared confusedly for a moment  
“George?” Winona mumbled  
“No mommy it’s Jimmy” Jim replied. Jim’s mom suddenly burst into tears again and grabbed Jim’s body. She hugged him extremely tight and sobbed into his shirt.  
“Don’t cry mommy” He said.  
“My George come back…” She groaned into Jim’s neck  
“I love you mommy” Jim said. He had seen people say that to comfort people before on TV so Jim hoped it would help. Winona only cried harder.

2

The next time Jim said those words he was older, wiser. He knew his mother didn’t love him and he did his best to not let it bother him. Jim was 10 and jaded. The morning Sam came into Jim’s room with a bag slung over his shoulder, Jim knew what was coming.  
“I’m getting out of here Jimmy” Sam said. His expression was closed off. Jim immediately stood from the pile of blankets he’d been sitting on. Unlike Sam he didn’t have a beanbag chair and so he’d fashioned one out of blankets.  
“You’re leaving me here?” Jim said. Sam looked at Jim hard. Jim knew he was eyeing the dark bruises smeared across his face. They were in various stages of healing. His right eye was a pale yellow bruise but his jaw was dark purple and throbbing. Sam’s face was free of bruises.  
“I want to get away from Frank and Winona. I’m sick of their shit.” Sam said.  
“What the fuck do you mean?! You’re not the one who gets beaten every day! You’re not the one who gets starved!” Jim yelled, advancing on Sam who looked a bit scared  
“I know Jimmy. I’ll come back for you eventually. Goodbye” Sam said as he turned to leave  
“So that’s it huh? Just like that?” Jim cried.  
“Yeah Jimmy. That’s it” Sam said with a small head shake  
“Sam please don’t go! I love you! I need my brother!” Jim pleaded. Hot tears were spilling down his face. Sam didn’t say anything, he just walked out. As Jim heard the door slam he let out a sob. After a moment Jim bolted down the stairs, desperate to stop Sam, to convince him to take Jim with him. Jim ran outside in time to see Sam’s motorcycle barreling off the property onto the dirt road. Jim ran after the cloud of dust  
“Sam! Sam!” Jim screamed after his brother. By the time the dust cleared Jim was standing alone in the middle of the dirt road, crying.

3

Jim didn’t say those words until years later. He was 15 and on Tarsus. Deep within the famine Jim was living on the outskirts of town with a group of kids. They were in hiding. All of them were on the kill list. Jim considered himself to be the unofficial leader of the group. He was the eldest and the main provider of food. One afternoon Jim snuck back into their hiding place, his heart pounding from the hike. His body was weak and his heart would pound from minimal exercise. As he walked into the small cabin that housed the ten children he was greeted by excited cheers.  
“Jim!” cried the small children as they surrounded him, their emaciated bodies covered by dirt smeared clothing. The older kids walked over to Jim  
“Hey Jim. anything good today?” Taliah asked. Next to Jim Taliah was the eldest at age 14. Jim and her had been friends for the year that Jim had lived there before the famine. Back when he stayed with his aunt and uncle and experienced what it was like to actually be cared for. When Jim knew her before the famine Taliah was very beautiful. She had long raven hair and bright blue eyes with pink cheeks. Now though, Taliah’s hair was dull and knotted, her eyes glazed and her cheeks pale and hollow. The bones in her face were prominent and her once soft frame was frail and sharp with bones.  
“I got a surprise” Jim replied with a sly smile. Sometimes Taliah came with Jim scavenging but today she was taking care of Thomas, a 8 year old boy who was sick and would probably die in a couple days. Taliah smiled wide  
“Guys gather around! Jim’s got a surprise” Taliah called. The children let out excited squeals and swarmed Jim. Jim reached into his duffel bag which was not even close to full. He pulled out an entire loaf of bread. The eyes of the children went wide and the chatter stopped. This was more food than they’d seen in weeks. Even Taliah seemed awed by this loaf. Jim walked over to the table and pulled out his hunting knife. He cut the loaf into ten pieces. He passed out the bread and watched everyone eat as Jim helped himself to a serving.some ate as fast as they could, while others savoured the feeling of food in their mouth. Taliah sat next to Jim and they sat in silence as they ate. Shortly later most of the kids had fallen asleep, lulled by the sensation of a full stomach. Taliah turned to Jim.  
“Tomorrow I’ll go with you. I heard of a place that might have some food we can steal” Taliah said. Jim didn’t argue because Taliah knew what she was doing.  
“Okay. we’ll leave early. Come on let's sleep before our stomach’s start grumbling again.” Jim said. They were teenagers who required much more food than a hunk of bread. Taliah nodded in agreement and they curled themselves into the pile of blankets they called a bed.  
The next morning they set out early. The sun had just risen and the air was cold.  
“Ok Taliah where are we going?” Jim asked as they approached the town.  
“The warehouse. I found out the password” Taliah said, giving Jim a slightly manic look. Jim stopped in his tracks  
“Taliah are you fucking crazy?” Jim cried. The warehouse was the most heavily protected place in town as it was the main holding place for the city food rations.  
“No Jim i’m fucking hungry” She said looking angry.  
“Yeah Taliah I’m hungry too but I’m not stupid enough to go to the most dangerous place in town. Have you forgotten we’re on the kill list?” Jim said through gritted teeth.  
“I’m willing to take the risk Jim. If we succeed we could get enough food to keep us alive for another month at least!” Taliah said, her pale face growing red with rage  
“I’m not taking that risk Taliah. End of discussion” Jim said, his voice strict and commanding.  
“You’re not a fucking starship captain Jim. You don’t control me” She spat  
“Fine then go on your fucking own” Jim growled  
“I will!”Taliah exclaimed. Jim turned away and let out a grunt of frustration. By the time he turned around again Taliah was gone.  
“Shit!” Jim breathed. He couldn’t let Taliah go through with this. He chased after her. By the time he got to the warehouse a crowd had already formed. Jim’s heart froze in his chest and hid behind a building. Peeking around the corner he saw the crowd was made up of guards. After several minutes the guards left, leaving Jim staring at a body on the hard packed dirt ground. Tears stung at Jim’s eyes. Not Taliah please not Taliah Jim chanted over and over in his head. Jim ran to the crumpled form after seeing the area was now guard free. He approached the form and his heart broke at the knotted raven hair mingling in the dirt. Jim fell to his knees in front of Taliah’s body and he fought back sobs. He couldn’t cry, it would be too loud.  
“Taliah. I love you” Jim whispered, his voice thick with tears. Taliah didn’t answer. She was already dead.

4

Jim loved the academy. The girls, the guys (Yeah Jim basically slept with everyone regardless of gender), the classes, but most of all his best friend Bones. Bones wasn’t his actual name, but Jim wasn’t about to call his best friend something as stupid as Leonard. Bones was the first true friend Jim had had since Taliah. Jim never said her name out loud. One time Bones asked Jim who Taliah was. Jim’s blood had gone cold  
“How do you know about Taliah?” He demanded  
“I heard you say it in your sleep like 10 times” Bones said through a swig of whiskey. Jim dreamt of Tarsus often.  
“She’s nobody. Don’t ever bring it up again” Jim said menacingly. Bones never had.  
As Jim and Bones sat in the bar they drank. Both of them prefer whiskey over anything. Bones loved it because he was from Georgia and apparently people in Georgia love whiskey. Jim loved it because it burned and Jim like the pain. It made him feel alive.  
“Okay, so is there anyone at the academy you haven’t fucked?” Bones said exasperatedly. Jim had demanded they go to a different bar than the academy one, claiming there was no one he could bring home there.  
“Well I haven’t fucked you” Jim said with a chuckle  
“Yeah and I’m keeping it that way you slut” Bones replied, but his tone was light and teasing.  
“I don’t want your old saggy bones anyway” Jim said, faking offence. Bones only scoffed. Suddenly a shriek came from nearby  
“Jimmy? Jimmy Kirk?” a voice called. Jim whipped his head around to see a young blonde bounding towards him, a huge grin on her face.  
“Do I know you?” Jim asked in confusion.  
“It’s me! Elizabeth Rowland” She said. Suddenly Jim remembered a small and emaciated child with blond hair back on Tarsus.  
“Elly” Jim said softly. Elizabeth suddenly hugged Jim hard.  
“I never got to thank you. Thank you for keeping us alive Jim” She said into his ear. Jim saw Bones’ eyebrows go up at Elizabeth’s comment.  
“It’s so good to see you. You look so healthy” Jim said, his voice catching.  
“I have to go Jim. My boyfriend is waiting outside. I hope I’ll see you again.” Elizabeth said and she left before Jim could say another word. Jim sat back down shakily. His blue button up shirt suddenly felt constricting. Jim stared at the floor for a minute before Bones’ voice snapped him out of his trance  
“You okay Jim? Who was that?” Bones asked, looking confused  
“That was Elizabeth. I haven’t seen her since she was 9.” Jim said softly.  
“What was she talking about when she said you saved her life?” Bones asked  
“She was on tarsus. I kept her alive” Jim replied. It was out of his mouth before Jim could stop himself spilling his darkest secret.  
“You-you were on tarsus?” Bones stuttered. He had gone pale. Jim couldn’t find his voice so he just nodded before grabbing his whiskey glass and downing it. He ordered 2 more from the menu PADD on the table and moments later they were deposited by a server. Jim downed them immediately. A half hour later Jim was absolutely shitfaced.  
“C’mon Jim you’ve had enough. Let's go home” Bones pleaded. They were dorm roommates.  
“Fuck off. I don wanna” Jim slurred even as Bones physically shoved him out of the bar and into the taxi. Jim grumbled the whole ride to the dorm and all the way into the dorm room. When Bones deposited Jim in bed with a firm  
“Go to sleep Jim” Jim did so with a snide remark that Jim is sure sounded better in his head. Bones collapsed into the bed on the other side of the room and pulled up the covers. Silence fell between them in the darkness until Bones finally spoke.  
“I’m sorry about what happened to you. I’m here if you need to talk” He said. Jim sobered up a bit at that. Jim couldn’t think of how to respond several long minutes passed  
“Thanks Bones. Love you man” Jim said. Bones, however, was already asleep.

5

Jim was fighting back tears, or maybe a scream. Spock was laying on the biobed looking very pale, even by Spock standards. The only thing keeping Jim sane was the slow rise and fall of Spock’s chest. Stupid fucking Spock had taken the phaser fire for Jim again. While it’s true that had it been regular phaser fire the wound would have not been fatal to Spock like it would be to Jim, the phaser fire was actually poisoned. Of fucking course. Spock was hit where the average human heart is, but his Vulcan heritage saved him. The poison however took its toll. Spock truly had almost died. Bones said that had it been even minutes later, Spock may have died.  
“Jim, he’s going to be okay. He’s in a medically induced coma. In a few hours I’ll let him go into a healing trance. Give him a week and he’ll be back to his normal emotionless self.” Bones said as Jim stared at the motionless Vulcan.  
“Kay” Jim said, his voice small and feeble.  
“...I’ll get you a chair so you can stay awhile” Bones said. Moments later a blue plastic chair was placed by the bed. Jim sat without word. Bones walked away and Jim was left alone with Spock. Jim had been in love with Spock for months. At first Jim held back because Spock and Uhura were together, but that ended. Now Jim hadn’t told Spock because, well, Jim was Jim and Spock was Spock. Spock was way out of Jim’s league. The way Jim saw it, Jim was damaged goods. Jim tentatively reached out a hand and curled them around Spock’s fingers. They were soft. Jim knew that Vulcan hand touching was kissing in their society but Spock would never have to know. Jim felt kind of guilty for essentially kissing Spock without his permission but Jim needed the contact.  
“I love you” Jim whispered. The air was the only response he got and expected to get.

+1

The chess game lay abandoned. Several pieces on the floor. Heaps of clothing lay around Jim’s room. Command golds and science blues. The lights were at %15 percent and the blankets were cast upon the floor. On the bed lay 2 figures. They were naked and wrapped in each other’s embrace. Jim lay in a blissful half sleep next to Spock. Finally after 1 year on the 5 year mission, they sexual tension building between Jim and Spock snapped. What had begun in a simple game of chess ended with passionate love making. Jim stared up at Spock’s face. His eyes were closed and his face relaxed. The pale green tinge of his skin glowed in the dull light. His body was warm and his lips parted slightly, greener than usual due to the excessive kissing. Spock’s arm was wrapped around Jim’s middle, his leg caught between Jim’s. Spock let out a large, contented sigh onto Jims cheek. Jim pressed a kiss to Spock’s cheek. Spock’s warm brown eyes opened and met Jim’s blue ones.  
“Hey you” Jim whispered with a small smile.  
“Hello Jim” Spock replied. Spock leaned forward and met Jim’s lips in a kiss much softer than the desperate and hungry ones they’d shared earlier. Jim melted into the kiss. If there was a heaven, he was in it. In all his years he’d never thought Spock had felt for him like Jim did. Their kiss broke and Jim pressed his forehead to Spock’s.  
“You are beautiful” Spock said softly. Jim blushed pink.  
“So are you” Jim replied. Spock raised an eyebrow and kissed Jim again. When the kiss broke Spock had a question ready  
“Jim I am going to ask something of you but I want you to understand I will not take any offence if you say no” Spock said, his tone serious. A spike of anxiety ran through Jim.  
“What is it?” he asked.  
“I would like to meld with you. Generally Vulcan mates will meld after intercourse. It deepens the connection and offers a large sense of intimacy. I understand, however, that humans are sometimes averse to melding due to the fear of it being invasive. I can promise you that I won’t see any memories you do not wish me to see” Spock explained. Jim paused. He’d never bared his soul to anyone before, but if he was going to bare his soul to anyone he’d want it to be Spock.  
“Okay.” Jim said softly. Spock looked slightly surprised at Jim’s agreement but moved his fingers to Jim’s face nonetheless.  
“My mind to you mind. My thoughts to your thoughts” Spock said quietly. There was a moment of disorientation but then suddenly Jim was surrounded by Spock. It was amazing. All around himself he felt love. Whoever said Vulcan’s have no emotions clearly never melded with one.  
“Jim” Spock’s voice said. It was less of Spock’s voice and more of an essence speaking to him.  
“Spock” Jim replied. All around him was pure gold radiating love. Jim couldn’t tell whether it was Jim or Spock’s. A physical manifestation of Spock formed in front of Jim. They stood in front of each other in the gold landscape allowing the emotion between them do the talking.  
“Spock I think that before you decide if you want me or not I should show you some memories.” Jim said. Jim knew that Spock would probably want nothing to do with Jim once he saw his past but he felt it was only fair Spock knew.  
“Nothing you could show me could make me not desire you” Spock replied. Jim shook his head. He conjured up memories. Memories of his mother’s closed off stare and unloving words. Memories of Frank. The fists flying at his face and the blood dripping down his face. Memories of trying to cover bruises before school. He showed Spock the memory of driving off a cliff. The thoughts of whether or not to let himself fall alongside the car. He showed Spock Tarsus. It pained him to do so but he did it anyway. He showed them the kids in the cabin, their wide eyes always hoping for a bit of food. He showed Spock what he’d done to get that loaf of bread. Of the guards who gave it to him in return for his body. He showed Spock Taliah’s look of anger as he refused to go to the warehouse. He showed him the vacant look in her eyes as she lay dead on the ground. Memories of countless one night stands that left his body bruised, because how was he supposed to feel alive if he wasn’t feeling pain. He showed him the alcohol and drugs that could never fully numb him. Finally he showed Spock the memory of Spock himself laying on the biobed comatose. He showed him reaching out and holding his hand. The shame of having kissed Spock without Spock’s consent radiating between them. When the memories stopped so did the meld. Jim opened his eyes and saw, to his surprise, Spock with tears in his eyes.  
“Jim…” he whispered. Spock pulled Jim close and cradled him, planting kisses on his forehead, cheeks, and neck.  
“I’m sorry Spock. I didn’t mean to hurt you” Jim said, his own tears spilling.  
“No Jim. It is I who apologize” Spock said  
“Why?” Jim asked, confused  
“I am sorry so many have caused you pain. Those who were supposed to care for you neglected you and abused you. I promise I will spend my days making up for them ashayam” Spock said. His voice was thick with tears. Jim couldn’t contain his sobs any more. How had he managed to find someone as perfect as Spock. Sobs wracked Jim’s body  
“T’hy’la” Spock whispered into Jim’s ear as Jim soaked Spock’s skin with tears.  
“I love you so much” Jim choked out between sobs.  
“I love you Jim. I love you so very much” Spock replied. Jim hadn’t expected a response. He’d never heard someone say they loved him before. It felt wonderful

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed! please check out my other Spirk fanfictions! please feel free to leave comments and kudos!


End file.
